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Saturday 4 November 2006
i don't want to go out, but i kinda do

the biggest problem, when it comes to weekends for me, is that i really want to go out - but everytime i do, i spend money. whether it's lunch, or a train ticket, or books, or a giant widescreen tv with all the extras - i can't seem to help it.

right now, i've gone out this morning and bought some stuff to cleanse the house of the pursuing dog stink, and i stopped by space furniture and got a new book on architecture (that place is like a CANDY SHOP). that's about $100 gone already, and it's not even 2pm yet.

i'm trying to find a balance between things i need vs things i want because it's there. no one needs 10 dresses, but they're so cuteee and i can afford it. but will i regret it? probably.

because we have a mortgage now, i keep a closer eye on our accounts and i know we're okay and can afford to get things if we want it .. but the adult inside of me tells me to put down the 4th pair of shoes this month and just walk away. i know it's fine to spend $100 a weekend if i wanted, but anymore than that and i get the guilts if i'm going to step out of the apartment again.

i do like to just go out walking with Mischa, without cash or cards, but it's kinda rainy and cold today. i feel like it's part of my agoraphobia still, but i've been pretty good avoiding the things i shouldn't be eating or touching.

and... i'm still here, it's just gone 2pm, i have hours before Regan gets home. i'm trying to find something to do that won't make me feel like i've wasted the day away. i'm starting to feel like a total bore who bitches about how totally boring she is. booooo. i'm turning into 'that lady' upstairs who's apartment smells and you can always hear 'friends' playing in the background.

i'm 25 dammit. i should be having a blast and painting the town red (with black stripes and little birdy prints) not sitting here talking to youuu.