Archive for the “inside & out” Category

stuck on a feeling

Posted on August 29th, 2012 by Tracey

I’m working hard at changing the way I think about myself.

When I was asked last week, to list 5 positive things about myself, I couldn’t do it. Isn’t that terrible? I know there are good things about me and things that I know I’m good at, but when it comes to saying the words and committing it to paper, I just couldn’t. It’s becoming a problem when it comes to pursuing personal projects that I love, which is why I’m probably going to be in therapy a little while longer… To figure out why, and to learn how to move forward, and keep moving forward, without a knot in my stomach, with my face tense and my toes curled. I could give you 5 excuses about why my photography sucks. I can tell you 5 people that do everything better than I can. I worked in a job for 11 years but never mentioned the company name here or to my friends.

I don’t know why I’m like this, but I know it’s not how I want to live the rest of my life. So much has happened in the last year, and I think this problem has been around longer than that, but hasn’t been around my whole life.

I think other people feel this way too – and it’s not ‘being shy’. The inability to give yourself credit and be proud of your work, to show it off to others and not feel sick about the feedback you get. I wish I had that again. I know I had it before, and I want to know where it went.

Chantelle wrote that this fear is paralysing, and I relate to it – but I have no idea what I’m afraid of. Being successful? The attention? Asking people to look at what I have to offer? Even with writing this blog post, I want to slap myself and not post this because I’m sounding CRAZY and no one should be bothered with such crap from a 31 year woman. But the 3rd person in me says it will be good to get this out, to be honest and to recognise that what i’m feeling is real. And that it’s not going away if I ignore it.

So here I am trying not to ignore it, and hoping that everything will get a bit clearer to me soon.

Image Source

quietly quiet

Posted on August 23rd, 2012 by Tracey

it’s interesting that once you get talking about yourself to a stranger (albeit, a professional), the more you learn about yourself. in my session with the dr, i’m relaying things i already knew about myself but i’m coming away learning something new about why am i how i am. yes, only after 2 sessions.

i feel a bit raw about the weight of our conversations, and maybe next week i will share a bit with you, but until then i’m busily processing what has been said and it’s making me a bit quieter online & off. in between making a video of Jovie for the Rett Syndrome Study and running around the town as usual, i find myself wondering where my mind will be in a month, in 6 months, at this rate.

i’m already peeling away that ‘tough’ outer shell i wear and it’s a bit scary. to be 31, and rediscovering yourself is a GOOD thing though and i feel lucky that i’m on this path now, rather than later.

cute image by ilovedoodle

in therapy

Posted on August 14th, 2012 by Tracey

yesterday was my first therapy appointment. not Jovie’s, not Jasper’s, mine – and that feels weird to say.

coming from a woman who maybe gets her hair cut every 7 months (i’m currently sporting some major horse hair here – neighhhh), doing something for myself is a bit foreign. sure, every now and then mum takes the kids and i stay at home to clean or blog or run errands, but that’s not ‘me time’ is it?

but i did have a good session yesterday and while i won’t go into details, i do think the psychologist and i will work well together. an interesting thing that did come up was the concept of habits, and how we fall into them and don’t realise what’s going on until it turns into an issue.

figuring out where we’ve let ourselves down, and why, can be a hard thing to do. it’s not often you get that kind of clarity or want to seek out a solution for it. but i’m happy to get a little messy, to come out a little cleaner.

image source is this awesome print