stuck on a feeling

I’m working hard at changing the way I think about myself.

When I was asked last week, to list 5 positive things about myself, I couldn’t do it. Isn’t that terrible? I know there are good things about me and things that I know I’m good at, but when it comes to saying the words and committing it to paper, I just couldn’t. It’s becoming a problem when it comes to pursuing personal projects that I love, which is why I’m probably going to be in therapy a little while longer… To figure out why, and to learn how to move forward, and keep moving forward, without a knot in my stomach, with my face tense and my toes curled. I could give you 5 excuses about why my photography sucks. I can tell you 5 people that do everything better than I can. I worked in a job for 11 years but never mentioned the company name here or to my friends.

I don’t know why I’m like this, but I know it’s not how I want to live the rest of my life. So much has happened in the last year, and I think this problem has been around longer than that, but hasn’t been around my whole life.

I think other people feel this way too – and it’s not ‘being shy’. The inability to give yourself credit and be proud of your work, to show it off to others and not feel sick about the feedback you get. I wish I had that again. I know I had it before, and I want to know where it went.

Chantelle wrote that this fear is paralysing, and I relate to it – but I have no idea what I’m afraid of. Being successful? The attention? Asking people to look at what I have to offer? Even with writing this blog post, I want to slap myself and not post this because I’m sounding CRAZY and no one should be bothered with such crap from a 31 year woman. But the 3rd person in me says it will be good to get this out, to be honest and to recognise that what i’m feeling is real. And that it’s not going away if I ignore it.

So here I am trying not to ignore it, and hoping that everything will get a bit clearer to me soon.

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