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On Grief

Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.

computer time

A heartfelt thank you to all who have reached out to our family in the last week. I am mostly okay, still very quiet at times as though I’m willing things to stop, just for a minute. I’m a bit overwhelmed but we have alot of support around our family, which has made this week easier.

Therapy for me has been a small tub of icecream, cupcakes, strawberries and a blog redesign. (Aren’t the illustrations of us amazing?). Talking to my girlfriends, the mums at playgroup, new friends online and, of course, my husband Regan has been a great comfort to me.

strawberries&chocolate

I’ve read alot of stories about families and how they’ve dealt with a Rett Syndrome diagnosis, and as I already knew – there is no one way to deal with something like this. For me, I’ve always been Jovie’s mum and I’ve always known Jovie as she is now. It’s not as if she had a major accident and we’ve had to adjust to a new life – Jovie’s always had her quirks just as I’ve always had black hair and a tendency to ramble. For us, it hasn’t been a matter of ‘shock’.

The grief is in the unknown. Knowing what could happen, but not knowing how bad it will get is hard. But only thinking about the hard times, is no way to live. You have to balance the good with the bad, know that yes things are going to be tough but your dreams never come true without working for them.

So, I work for them.

jovie's smile
A smile.

my jasper
For one more submarine cubby house.

jovie's hands
For their future.

And I’ll deal with the sadness as we go because life is way too precious to spend worrying about the unknown.

The Next Chapter.

The call I received on Tuesday evening was expected, but early. 6 weeks early. We’ve made an appointment for you to come in and see the team at the kids hospital on Thursday morning, is this a good time for you?

I had pushed the thought of getting the results of Jovie’s last DNA test all the way to the back of my head, they weren’t due until the end of July and there was no point in worrying about it when it was still weeks away. Regan and I both suspected Rett Syndrome some 13 months ago, it was on the first referral from our pediatrician but I had not let myself self diagnose and go down that road unnecessarily.

Walking into the observation room at the kid’s hospital yesterday, we’re met with familiar faces and some new ones. All friendly, all with knowing eyes. There’s Jovie’s file on the table and it’s got some weight to it, I think. They ask how Jovie’s been going (Oh, I’ve been keeping an eye on her stair work and book flipping because she seems to be regressing again. No, she hasn’t had any seizures) and what we’ve been up to in the 6 weeks since we last saw each other.

We don’t fluff around much more when the Dr slowly asks me whether I remember what the last DNA test was for – as if I could of ever forgotten. She nods her head slowly and confirms our instincts were right – Jovie has Rett Syndrome.

I know alot of people have never heard of Rett Syndrome before – so here is a brief brief amateur summary from someone with approximately 24 hours experience (hello). Rett Syndrome is neurodevelopmental genetic disorder that is almost exclusive to girls. Every year in Australia, around 1 in 9,000 babies are born with Rett Syndrome. (In comparison to Autism with 1 in 88 children and Down Syndrome with 1 in 660). It causes issues with speech, fine motor, gross motor and growth, aswell as a myriad of other issues (e.g. scoliosis, seizures, hyperventilation, teeth grinding, difficulty swallowing).

In our case, Jovie is able to walk but alot of girls are in wheelchairs. In some cases, they can speak a little but Jovie is unable to currently. 80% will experience seizures. They used to classify it as a degenerative disorder which can result in a shorten typical lifespan, however this is not the case. Yes, some do pass away but some do live long lives with Rett Syndrome.

One of the traits of Rett Syndrome is Autism, so at the moment we still believe she is Autistic but her diagnosis is Rett Syndrome. We’ll most likely assess for this again over the years.

It is a random occurrence, not passed down through the family. No one could of detected it unless we were specifically looking for it. There is no current cure.

The Dr is explaining that they found the spelling mistake within Jovie’s genetics and all eyes are on me, trying to process all this information and the reality of a new stage of our lives, of Jovie’s life. I’m all kinds of things in the next 45 minutes – relieved, sad, tired, happy to have the diagnosis, terrified, optimistic, brave, a wreck. I don’t cry, I leave that for later that night when I’m on my own and reality truly sets in, and the team of professionals offer their support as we leave the unit.

Knowing what I know about Rett Syndrome so far, I’m a bit devastated, if I’m honest. I would be lying outright if I wasn’t sad about the diagnosis, I’m only human. Everyone has to find a pocket for their grief – whether it’s the loss of someone you loved, or your child getting a lifelong disorder diagnosed. There is value to that sadness, and you cannot move forward if you’re pushing that part of your heart away.

However, knowing what I know about Jovie and about myself and our family, we’re going to be okay. It’s just going to be a process and always will be.

So what next? Our appointment to the Rett Clinic at the kid’s hospital is in about a month. We continue to go to therapy and watch our for seizures and regression. Getting quotes to buy Jovie a wheelchair/stroller. I’m embarking on a 100-day challenge to sort my own issues out before I burn out. And we continue to love and cherish our family. Now with added Rett’s.

Communicating using Pictures

For a few months now, we’ve been using more and more pictures as symbols for communication with Jovie. She loves photos/images/drawings, and using systems like PECS is commonly used with ASD kids. The only problem has been that 1. I cannot afford Boardmaker (and neither can 99% of regular families like us); and 2. I felt like some scenarios/photos were missing from our PECS folder.

So, what to do? I’m not an artist or illustrator by any means – but that’s the beauty of drawing pictures for communication. They don’t need to be complicated – just enough to illustrate an object or scenario. Over the weekend, I drew out a few pages of things we do all the time – go to therapy, go to school, blow bubbles, brush teeth & even Yo Gabba Gabba – and luckily my 4 year old (Jasper) could understand them! I coloured them in, laminated them, chopped them up and stuck velcro on the back of each card. And voila!

Not bad for a crafternoon’s work 🙂 I’ve stuck them on a door in the hallway, and every morning we choose the cards to go up on the board today. Yesterday, Jasper was ‘swimming’, ‘cubby house’, ‘read books’, ‘drawing’ and of course ‘Mario Kart Wii’. (We also use his board to spell his name and to show the day of the week). Boards like this really help kids break down events of the day, and also serve as a to-do list for mum’s like me 😛

A few lovely ladies left comments about wanting a copy for themselves, and I thought it was an awesome idea! So here they are –

I’ve redrawn 48 images last night which include – Go for a walk, go to therapy, brushing time, listening time, bath time, brush teeth, pants, shoes, socks, tshirt, kiss & a cuddle, go to the zoo, iPad/iPod, shopping, go for a swim, jump on the trampoline and eat. I’ve also added a box around each image so you have a cutting guide, and used a font instead of my handwriting for the text. There’s 6 x A4 pages to download, print and laminate.

There are two options for downloading the printable PDF file (4.6MB) –

[wpdm_file id=1]
or

Download for $6

Why two options? Because I know costs add up when it comes to finding tools & equipment for therapy, and because they add up for me too. (Hey, I’m honest!).

Feel free to share this post around and let me know if you’ve printed the pictures out and are using them 🙂 I’m open to drawing more, especially since I know there are things you do specifically with your own kids that you can’t find a picture for. If you don’t have access to a laminating machine, leave a message below and I’ll see what I can do.

I’d appreciate any feedback that you might have – this was my first try at making them myself and I had alot of fun doing it 🙂

Happy crafting!